In all things

I don’t know where you’ve been

I don’t know if I will ever believe like I once did

I don’t know where you are or how it is that for some damn reason, I still believe, that you are here and have been with me all along as we’ve traveled this bumpy road

I don’t know what I am, ‘Spiritual?’ they say, ‘What does that mean to you?’ they ask, great question, I laugh

I just know that you are real, you are here, you are good

Anchoring my reality, you are here

Grounding my assurance, you are here

On the days where joy springs up like an unexpected sinkhole as I steadily trod down this solid, seemingly monotonous path, you are here

With me, when the spirit moves inside of me and I can dance in my kitchen once again and joy spills out of me like a fountain I forgot existed, bubbling over with tears

I know you’ve been with me in all of the struggle, the stress, the chaos and the noise of this journey I’ve been on

I know you’ve helped me to carry the heartbreak and the endless longing a little lighter

I know you’ve taught me to be brave

To ask questions that I don’t have easy answers for and to sit with doubt

To risk by living my life with my whole heart, every damn day

To say I love you with my everything, my whole heart and spirit

To say yes to unknowns, to adventure, to growth, to new beginnings

To be humble, to ask questions, to say I don’t know

I know you’ve helped me rest

To take care of myself, to seek restoration in nature, in community, in turning inwards

To stand firm in my becoming and in the boundaries I set to protect myself

I know you’ve taught me how to hope, in spite of feeling brokenhearted and weary somedays 

You’ve given me a heart that yearns for beauty

For goodness

For vulnerability

For justice

For joy

For a gritty, resilient, abiding love

For connection as rich as Hagendaz and deep as the sea

I know you’ve shown me how to walk well with others, how to encourage them, to keep them accountable, to remind them of their goodness and point them towards their true selves, capable and full of potential

How to create space for them with openness and grace

To show up as they are

You are here

In all things

You are here

These days, I find I’m not a praying woman

But if I was

I would ask you to renew my heart and open my eyes to see you at work in the rain, the sun, the storms, the waves, the sunrises and the long, cold winters